I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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