I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
