Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
