Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
