Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
