I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
