At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I enjoy the company of your penis
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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