u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
