So drunk its hurt
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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