Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
