it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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