dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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