shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
