you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
