Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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