I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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