If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
