when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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