My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
