if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
