ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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