I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So squirting runs in the family.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
