my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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