My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
