Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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