I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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