I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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