i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
