My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
