sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
