I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
