??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
