Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
