my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
