It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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