You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
if i died would you start the facebook group?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
