im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
