Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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