remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
