i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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