I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
