im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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