I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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