it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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