Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
