I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
