you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have fence marks all over my body
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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