When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
