I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
