New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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