so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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