remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
